For now at least, I know.

I know that I have written this many times before. And I know that I will write this many times again. But I guess, my hope is, that in me writing it down this time, I will remember just a little longer, than I remembered the time before.

I want to go to Africa. I want to address inequalities.

Although I enjoy debates in my International Organizations class, and I am incensed by the racial inequalities in the country where I live now, nothing makes me cry like Africa.

I am very justice oriented. I do not think it is fair that I was born in an upper-middle class family and am now attending a private Christian college. I did nothing to deserve that. I am who I am, partly from my own striving to become who I want to be, but also partly because that is who society has shaped me to be, and partly because that’s who God needs me to be.

My best friend Gillian gave me a placard for Christmas this year that reads “She believed she could, so she did”. My aunt Tracy gave me a card when I left for school with a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson “Be not the slave of your own past- plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience, that shall explain and overlook the old.”

On and off, I’ve been enchanted with the idea of abandoning everything. Of joining a community in an impoverished part of a town, and just living there, loving people. It still sounds wonderful, but as much as certain policies piss me off in America, people don’t die by the thousands of preventable diseases daily here. Even in my proposed living area, I would not be surrounded by that drastic reality.

Shaine Claiborne is very convincing, and I still might follow his footsteps for a few years. Maybe a few months, just so that I will know.

But I do not think that my heart will let me live my life without also looking at Jena Lee. Without seeing Bono. Without reading Jeffrey Sachs. Sustainable development in third-world countries. Drinkable water for God’s sake. For God’s sake. That is really what its about. How Can I Not?

I don’t understand it. I don’t like it. It breaks my heart.

And this is how I know, for now at least, without any qualms or doubts. That I have to be a part of the solution.

In the meantime I will continue trying to save electricity, ride the city bus, recycle, and turn my printer off when its not in use. But I do that because its easy and theres no good reason not to. I do kinda want a world around in 20 years for me to continue saving. J

But until then, I will keep praying. And I will keep hoping. And I will keep loving. Because that is really all we can do without something bigger to hop onto.

discontent

I feel kinda conflicted as of late. There are so many things that I want to do, but I don’t know how or when or why.

Part of me really wants to go start living in community surrounded by the poor, and just love on people. Another part still really wants to go to Africa, and work for an NGO doing humanitarian stuff. And I also like the idea of working for the UN and doing field level research. (working with the system to make it better. Hopefully helping more people in the long run). But I don’t want to get stuck in bureaucracy, but now the fear of it is leaving me kinda stuck in uncertainty. I’m just really afraid that if I don’t decide something, I’m going to decide nothing, and end up living the rest of my life being comfortable “in the land of Familiar”. Is it enough that I want to go? That I have a desire to go? or do I need to get off my butt and actually do something already.

For all my talk and passion, I really don’t have all that much experience doing much of anything unselfish. Maybe I do, from Girl Scouts and Young Life, but that was for peers or kids. Does that count? I’ve been to Mexico a few times, and I loved every second of it when I was there. From that, I know I can work, and I know that even after putting everything into working until the break, I still can find energy to play with beautiful children. And after that, love on people on our crew who need loving. And after that spend amazing time with Jesus and grow even more. And go without showers. I can do all that. And thrive. Is that enough of a background experience that anyone will ever believe me?

I am sitting here, in my private Christian college, not doing much of anything for anyone outside “the pinecone curtain”. Is it enough that I love on people around me? (It recently hit me, that most of the people around me, have enough money, to be paying full tuition. My mom can barely afford to pay half, and I’ve always thought we were pretty well off.) There are so many things wrong with the world, why are we paying 30,000 dollars to go to school for 4 years? I’m not even sure. So we can learn about the problems?  I don’t get the system, I don’t get the point of the system. I am a part of the system.  So what do I do?

The last part of it is this summer. I could participate in a bunch of different programs if I wanted to, which would fulfill my desires to be doing more. helping more. but the other side of that, is that I need to make money… Like really really bad. My mom and I worked it out so that I pay 3,000 a year towards my tuition, and any spending money that I want, I need to make for myself. A lot of summer camps are advertising around here, and I could make that money, but stuart wants me home. not that i can blame him. (and its not like if he was all for it, i could make it another 3 months without him near either). so i need to work at home. but i don’t know what i’ll do.

yeah.

Shaine Claiborne

Tonight, I left my Leadership Development in Ministry class early, well, we did as a large group, and we went to the packed multipurpose room in the HUB, to hear Shaine Claiborne speak. He was this amazing speaker. it just made you smile, listening to him. I love hearing passionate people speak, you can just hear it in their voices.

I almost wish i had taken notes, because sitting here, i’m at a loss at where to begin. or even exactly what he said. he talked about his time in Iraq. He went with a team of doctors, nurses, and other people, to tell Iraqis, that not all Americans support their lives being bombed. That some Americans believe in love, above “patriotism” and “freedom”. that love wins. They were in Baghdad, and the US would bomb every night. They would go to the sites the next morning, and just try to help out, and to love on people.

Wow. I really do want to go out and change the world even more now. I kinda also want to live in  a ghetto even more now. Just for a little. Or maybe the rest of my life.

I left this post half written, and i kinda lost my train of thought and inspiration…

so hopefully i will restart writing on this more.

i kinda just stopped there for a while.