Might vs. Right

I just finished reading The Once and Future King, one thing i can positively attribute to the break-up is that i have a whole lot more free time, and can read lots and lots of books.

I cannot choose to hate. I cannot choose to play the bitch. I have to choose the highest road. I have to love.

Theres something about nobility, and theres something about goodness, and theres something about what is True, that has to win out in the end. And we’re all looking for it. As long as we’re brave enough to, I guess. I really wish Unitarianism didn’t feel so anti-Christian to me, because I feel like theres a lot of nobility and honesty in their aims.

And in the midst of all my dreams and hopes and attempts at Love, still life goes on, and still America goes on. That Seventies Show just came on, “we’re all alright, we’re all alright”, so much culture, so much numbness. So many opportunities not to care. I do it all the time.

I think one of my biggest self-lessons is that I’m just as bad as anyone else. I don’t really care about the environment, because I’d still much prefer driving adventures to sitting at home not killing the air. I’d much prefer buying mindless crap for peoples birthdays because I love them, even if Target has horrible working conditions. I’m all for greater governmental powers imposing limits, and changing laws, but when it comes down to individual choices, I don’t really care all that much. I do the easy stuff. Doesn’t everyone?

I’m a jealous bitch. Just the same as basically every girl on the planet, i’m pretty sure. I don’t have the patience. I’m full on envy and pride and i boasted every chance I got about how wonderful i thought my boy was. I’m not pure. My love isn’t pure. This is love towards anyone, not just a someone. I’m scared of being hurt, I put up walls, I don’t generally tell the whole truth, and I always change my story based on who I’m speaking to. and i think everyone does too. I’m scared and I’m jealous. Mostly, I’m scared of being left alone.

something about TH White though, he seems to believe, that if you work hard enough, and try long enough, if you lead the way, by intentionally trying, in Goodness, it will come. and Life will be better. But in the end Arthur is sacrificed. Chivelry is sacrificed. The Round Table destroyed by baseless humanity. Humanity thats just so damn scared of being hurt again that it takes everything it can down with it.

Today I wrote, in as many places as possible, “boys are dumb, then they leave” i chanted it in my head over and over again. and part of me is so so so convinced that its true. that no matter what happens, I’ll never be enough. or i’ll be just enough for sometimes. That Jesse, my dad, Logan, and Stu will be continually coming close enough to raise my hope, and then theyll leave again. So i won’t ever be able to let go, just continue a list, and cry when they hurt me again. this whole paragraph was unfair. I want to keep writing, so i’m just going to leave it, and hope that it doesn’t kill my thought process.

I hope, someday, that we get it. That we stop have multiple intentions, that we stop using each other, that we come truly into our own, and that we shine in it. That we would find ourselves. That humanity would realize itself, and its potential. That it would stop having boundaries, that it wouldn’t want what wasn’t its own (i know thats a contradiction, but like think about it in context of theres more than enough to go around. You don’t have to share whats your own if theres enough for everyone to have their own)

Sometimes, I’m really good at being full of love. and full of grace, and still speaking Truth. Sometimes I’m really good at seeing it, holding it, knowing things for what they are, the good and the bad, and still being ok with them.

Sometimes though, those wounds get to me. And I hurt so bad. And sometimes I deal with them the more right way, but most of the time, I just lash out. and I try to make people understand how bad this hurts, in the context of me, in the context of the world, even in the context of what is Right, and what Should be done. Sometimes I don’t use words though. Sometimes I just talk to their friends, and share my side of the story. Sometimes I just do cruel things, just to make them hurt half as much as I hurt inside.

Because somewhere along the way, no matter how hard I tried, my heart didn’t harden. And somewhere along the way, I was chosen, and my heart was redeemed, and I’m not nearly as bitter as I want to be. Maybe everyone does this, but I hope not, because if they have, and the world is this screwed up, theres really no hope.

People are human, and they screw up, and they hurt each other.

i think it finally hit home today.

he’s gone.

our talk won’t ever come.

we’ll drift and drift.

and someday, so much sooner than id like, we’ll meet, and smile, and laugh, and he’ll introduce his new girlfriend. and she’ll be sweet and nice, and i’ll probably be truly be happy for him. and i’ll be one of his many exgirlfriends. a good one though. not a crazy one. some odd form of consolation that he gave me, before i realized that i would need.

i hope she grows him up. i hope he becomes her man and lives out what he could be. and i hope he treasures her for everything shes worth. i hope he becomes more whole, and more alive. that he would find Life, and live it. i hope she matters to him as much as he tells her that she does.  and that if he promises, he thinks about it first.
and me? i hope i never do this again. i’ll live my own life, as i always secretly knew (or have been afraid?) that i would. and i will live on my own, and maybe do the single mom thing, adopt or gasp have my own. maybe i’ll heal enough to get married. that thought scares me so incredibly much right now, you have no idea.

and who knows, maybe i’ll find another adventure buddy. maybe i’ll find a dreamer. maybe i’ll find an artist. maybe i’ll find a worthy people-caring politician or diplomat. maybe i’ll find a radical jesus lover who’ll lead me in that way.  maybe.

but even if i do, i don’t know what would stop me from living the exact same life as my mother. i don’t comprehend how people stay together, for the rest of their lives. i don’t know how they don’t get bored. how they are still wanted after however many years. how you can be sure that that someone that you say yes to, will still want you after all those years, that you’ll be enough for one another.  how is anyone ever that sure?

i know this is a depressed/crying entry. i’m sure i’ll heal more soon. or eventually. i know its not really as bad as it feels right now.

that knowledge really isn’t helping though.

i really hate crying.

i don’t think i’ve ever actually broken up with someone/been broken up with. i don’t think the slightly dizzy feeling after alex, or the maddening avoidance after brian even remotely compares with now. i’m mad. i’m sad. i’m alone. i don’t have plans besides work for the next week… what am i going to do with myself? i’m filled with every cliche possible. its amazing actually. when i talk, i’m really good at hiding it, i think. i’m not sobbing any more. i’ll probably just work a lot tomorrow. i have to work a lot tomorrow. i’m really behind at cmt, i was planning on doing stuff tonight, but i didn’t. i did stuff this morning tho.

i’m having issues comprehending maybe. i knew he wasn’t as madly in love with me as he had been previously, but i figured it would pass. i think my conversation starter last night was based in the insecurity i was feeling about his apathy. and then it put everything on the edge, and instead of seeing the cliff and running back to me, he jumped. and there he fell. and now i don’t know when i’ll talk to him next. i don’t know what i’m going to do with my summer. i don’t know when my eyes will stop randomly welling.

i’m so mad at how distanced he was from me when we were talking. i felt like a clingy ass wisp of a person who was so weak and delusional as to think the person across from me actually cared for me. “i’m sorry” “wait, why are you sorry (i was still unsure if it had been decided yet)” “because this is really going to hurt you”. oh. oh i see.

“you’ll find someone better” “you’ll do good things” “

i don’t really want to finish this right now.