Self-denial is never just a series of isolated acts of mortification or asceticism. It is not suicide, for there is an element of self-will even in that. To deny oneself is to be aware only of Christ and no more of self, to see only him who goes before and no more the road which is too hard for us. Once more, all that self-denial can say is; ‘He leads the way, keep close to him.”
“…and take up the cross.” Jesus has graciously prepared the way for this word by speaking first of self-denial. Only when we have become completely oblivious if self ate we ready to bear the cross for his sake. If in the end we know only him, if we have ceased to notice the pain of our own cross, we are indeed looking only unto him.
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The cross is laid on every Christian. … It is that dying of the old man which is the result of his encounter with Christ … Thus it begins; the cross is not the terrible end to an otherwise god-fearing and happy life, but it meets us at the beginning of our communion with Christ. When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die. It may be a death like that of the first disciples who had to leave home and work to follow him, or it may be a death like Luther’s, who had to leave the monastery and go out into the world. But it is the same death every time-death in Jesus Christ, the death of the old man at his call.
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oh, well in that case. i’ll jump right on board the jesus train. lol.
i really am enjoying bohoeffer a lot. (not that i’m reading it for enjoyment, i think i might be struck down with the hatred he has for cheap grace if i said that.) he’s so so intense. and i love it, cuz at least he’s legit. like. he died at age 39 in a nazi concentration camp. for doing exactly what he writes about. he’s so intense though. i read like 8 pages at a time. i just finished chapter 4. and he kinda just says it how he sees it. and he makes sense logically. and progresses from idea to deeper idea to deeper idea until you see yourself nodding to agreement to something that blows your mind completely if you try to see it actually applied to the world today.
i’m so interested in Christ as of late. Vintage (Spokane-church) is doing a series through mark (its lasting from last easter to this easter. i love my church) and its so good and intriguing and legit to just hear people talk about Jesus. like. the jesus christ actually in the Bible. Bonhoeffer does it too. (as much as i’ve read) his entire book just looks at encounters that jesus has with people with emphasis on those he calls to discipleship. hence the title. the cost of discipleship.
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i hate it when i get distracted half way through a blog. cuz now its not really concluded. but i lost my train of thought completely. plus its like 1:30 and i really need to go to bed. sorry.
forgiveness is a funny thing
August 26, 2007
so i have this friend beka. and i need to forgive her. for doing something i shouldn’t know she did. but i kinda stopped being friends with her. i want to actually want to do it though. like, i feel like i need to love her. but where. how. why. how. do you protect yourself from people who might hurt you again? wheres the real and the true friendship if theres no trust. is there any way to love beka not as her friend?
do the saints and martyrs have a heart/soul that is open for attack? that is broken and wounded? did they ever learn? or did they learn not to feel it? or did they learn that somehow it would be better to be broken and wounded for the possibility of the betterment of the wound-er.
this whole love your enemy thing doesn’t make as much sense as i would like. i mean, you can’t get much more enemy-like than a betrayal. then you start thinking of famous betrayals (not that this ranks quite as high as slaughtering the only begotten son of God, but part of me wants to say “but still!”)
then theres the whole “what would (did) jesus do?” what does jesus do. what does jesus do for me.
its like i know that the only way for me to forgive her is through Jesus. and the only way for it not to hurt is to be so close to jesus that his opinion of me IS what defines me. the only problem with that is that its so easy to say the words. and its even kinda easy to live it for a while. (the older i get, the more i like paul. when i was little, i hated his guts. like really. i loved jesus, and i was a relatively good kid, and i did random stuff to love on people without realizing most people didn’t do that with out some form of intentionality. but i hated pauls stuffiness when i read him. i still don’t really like the peters. or james. just so intense in an occasionally self-righteous tone. the reason i like paul more now is his whole “i want to do one thing but end up doing something opposite” spiel [romans 7:14-21, thank you jesus for biblegateway])
that was a long parenthetical comment.
amber asked me today what my goals were. for this week. month. year. whatever. i told her i wanted to thrive. i want to be planted at whitworth fully this year, and i want to thrive.
upon deeper thought tho. i think i need to get better at discernment. i think i need to stop analyzing and repackaging my life experience to regurgitate in conversation with some (conscious or not) selfish intention. will i be sending my kid to an inner-city ghetto school? hell yes. do i need to glorify myself in the meantime and be just as elitist as the worst stereotype of a bullard girl? no. not really necessary. i’m going to try to stop thinking about myself so much (as awful as that sounds, its really true). i’m going to attempt to just Be this year. Be myself, for sure. but also do stuff that may or may not be Me. and maybe at some later point in time, i’ll stop for some self-reflection, but i think i need to trust the Holy Spirit inside of me a little more. i want to just GO. you know? like live in the moment, every moment, and still be becoming more full of gracetruthlovejoypeace. and the only way i’m gonna do that unselfishly, is to be able to listen more. to hear more. or trust my emotional decisions a little more.
this may or may not be retiring…. just a warning.
