i like jesus. he makes me smile

I am in love.

I am loved.

I feel it in the pit of my stomach, the disbelieving smile spread across my face as I roll my eyes and shake my head. The antsy leg movements. The dancing and singing as I play music so loudly while no one else is home.

This I know is true.

I am a beloved daughter of God. And his grace is more than enough for all that I do (and forget to do, too). And I am freed by Him, to not depend on all you people here on earth for approval and satisfaction. But I need you, to practice Love with. So we can support each other and grow up into His Kingdom.

Theres this boy that I know. and once Loved/enjoyed/liked ….. loved. and he still makes me happy. and we still click really well.

its funny though. because i go crazy if i get obsessive about a boy. and i start needing boy around at all times for reassurance and help and love and emotional stability. but when i have my Jesus with me. and my Jesus as “number 1″ or whatever cheesy saying you want to insert there, then i enjoy people a whole lot more (and boy too). I don’t know if that’s how its supposed to work. i thought i was supposed to be better with Jesus when i didn’t have boy around to distract me? so then i wonder if i’m projecting my love and being loved onto Jesus when I really am just dependent on someone here loving me. (not that theres love in the equation with boy right now) so i dunno. thoughts?

in other news. these are quotes from sojourners that make me happy.

God cares for the poor, so should I. God cares for the stranger, so should I. God cares for creation, so should I. God cares for the orphan, so should I. God cares for people who don’t vote like me, so should I. God cares…so should I.

It sounds so simple to seek first the Kingdom of God. I make it very complicated.

and

The world is looking for saints to pray with who have known the depths of weakness, because that’s where this world is. It doesn’t want light, fluffy spirituality. It wants to kneel next to the Jobs who have seen the face of God. And that’s what we as a Christian community can be for the hurting. Out pain and suffering are not some kind of spiritual liability. They’re how God positions us to bless others.”

This speaks to me in that I don’t have to be ashamed of my weakness–that God can use it to help others that are hurting. …  We can be so much more effective when we can pull from the depths of our souls the pains and trials we have suffered, and at the same time extend the hope that everyone deserves. We have a Savior to back us up.

and one more

I am trying to work on my own struggle to overcome my culturally acceptable addiction to wealth (often glossed over as “practicality” or “security”) with a theology of enough.

eesh. That is what i need to get better at doing. I’m not making any money this summer, except for Keola. And I’m not quite sure how that is going to work out for me. I feel really at peace about it, but i don’t know if that is laziness or just the way it is. I have a job in Spokane, itll bring me like 500 over the semester. i think i need another job, but i want to do World Relief too. I dunno. Money would be good for that. but i dunno. money. so gross. i want it not to be necessary. thatd be bomb. i don’t mind working.

LOVE is the answer. even when i’m not quite sure what the answer is. I feel like I have been out of the way of Love for a while now. And I don’t know why I’ve been so bitter and angry and notLove. but I want to be different. I want to Love these kids that come running into firm every day. i want to love my family. i want to love my friends (i praycried for a few of them today. i haven’t done that for a while). i want to grow up to be a Truth speaker in Love. I have disengaged from that, and a lot of other possible aspects of what i think my calling is. I need to press in. onward and upward!!

Love. love love love.

and not get distracted and caught up in whatever else there might be.

LOVE

Dear Daddy,

I know you used to read this, and that really kinda freaked me out for a while, but its surprisingly late for me, and today has been a teary sort of day, so forgive me if and when i probably offend you and make you go defensive.

Daddy, I stumbled upon Jamie’s blog today. I read like the past 5 or six months. Probably more. Daddy, I know you love her. Just like Dr. Bernstein said, I really have grown to a place of acceptance without needing approval. Its the way it is.

Daddy, I still want you to be My daddy though. I saw the pictures from the cabin. When you went with all the fucking people in her family. And I wasn’t there. And Kyle wasn’t there. I saw the pictures from Thanksgiving and God knows when else. And Nates there, and Kims there. and Everyone is happy and smiling in your pictures.

There is one picture of me Daddy. There is one picture.

And I look chubby in it.

I hate how much weight I’ve gained over the past year.

I don’t know if normal 19 year olds talk to their fathers about that sort of thing. I wouldn’t have any opportunity of knowing. And yes, I guess I am still hurt that you left. and yes, I still feel like you just replaced your real family with some pseudo-ready made smile for the camera family. I know moms no fun. I live with her still, remember. I know shes stubborn and bitchy and not very consistant. Guess what? She’s worse by herself.

The stress of Kyle and raising Kyle is too much for one person to do. Its just the two of them there. i’m doing the normal thing of going off to college. but I’m also the other parent. I get to raise Kyle too. I get to talk to him. (I love him, but its my job to be a sister not super-Parent). I get to listen to him cry. i get to hear him rant. and I get to encourage him on his homework. And I get to try and pull him out of his bad days. and I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. I imitate mom more than I would probably like. Dad, do you see him on his bad days? They scare me so much, and all i want is to save him. But I CAN’T. and it hurts so bad.

After I talk to Kyle, and usually before. I talk to Mom. She tells me her side. She tells me how hard shes trying. Sometimes I think she runs her parenting decisions by me for validation. I don’t want to be a mother to my mother, dad. You wanna know the one thing I hate more than anything else on this planet? Hearing my momma cry.
How do you manage to do it so consistently to your mother? doesn’t that make you want to die inside?

I don’t understand what alls happened to me Daddy. I know that there are a lot of people in this world who have gone through a lot worse. With that in mind, I still don’t understand how it is humanly possible to cry this much. Have you seen me cry? did that make you cringe and hurt inside? maybe it only hurts you when Jamie cries.

Dear Daddy. I don’t believe God’s promises for the future. He loves me enough to let me see him and feel him in the now enough that I can look back and see him in my past. I am alive Daddy. Your son is alive. You can only thank your God for that, because if we had had our own individual ways, i can tell you our blood would be long stained on that hardwood floor upstairs.

Daddy. I tried really hard to make it home tonight for the movie. I drove safe. I drove in control. I even checked my oil. All the stuff I thought I was supposed to do. I woke Kyle up out of a stupor. He was pretty depressed. I tried everything I could to make him better, if just for the next 12 hours, so he can pass his SATs and do well tomorrow morning. I got him up and talking and changing his clothes. We were in the car, we were studying. He backed out at the last minute, but instead of seeing if anything was wrong, or how my trip was or if the car had been fine, you told me maybe some other time.

I know you can’t read minds, but I really wish that you could have invited me over to eat. Or called me later. Or checked on Kyle. I know you’re probably sore because we spoiled the event you tried so hard to plan. But we’re sorry.

Maybe some other time itll work out better.

i’m sure time with your family was fun.

fuck you dad. Daddy. daddy. daddy. why am i still crying over something you’re so clearly over?