Dear Daddy,

I know you used to read this, and that really kinda freaked me out for a while, but its surprisingly late for me, and today has been a teary sort of day, so forgive me if and when i probably offend you and make you go defensive.

Daddy, I stumbled upon Jamie’s blog today. I read like the past 5 or six months. Probably more. Daddy, I know you love her. Just like Dr. Bernstein said, I really have grown to a place of acceptance without needing approval. Its the way it is.

Daddy, I still want you to be My daddy though. I saw the pictures from the cabin. When you went with all the fucking people in her family. And I wasn’t there. And Kyle wasn’t there. I saw the pictures from Thanksgiving and God knows when else. And Nates there, and Kims there. and Everyone is happy and smiling in your pictures.

There is one picture of me Daddy. There is one picture.

And I look chubby in it.

I hate how much weight I’ve gained over the past year.

I don’t know if normal 19 year olds talk to their fathers about that sort of thing. I wouldn’t have any opportunity of knowing. And yes, I guess I am still hurt that you left. and yes, I still feel like you just replaced your real family with some pseudo-ready made smile for the camera family. I know moms no fun. I live with her still, remember. I know shes stubborn and bitchy and not very consistant. Guess what? She’s worse by herself.

The stress of Kyle and raising Kyle is too much for one person to do. Its just the two of them there. i’m doing the normal thing of going off to college. but I’m also the other parent. I get to raise Kyle too. I get to talk to him. (I love him, but its my job to be a sister not super-Parent). I get to listen to him cry. i get to hear him rant. and I get to encourage him on his homework. And I get to try and pull him out of his bad days. and I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. I imitate mom more than I would probably like. Dad, do you see him on his bad days? They scare me so much, and all i want is to save him. But I CAN’T. and it hurts so bad.

After I talk to Kyle, and usually before. I talk to Mom. She tells me her side. She tells me how hard shes trying. Sometimes I think she runs her parenting decisions by me for validation. I don’t want to be a mother to my mother, dad. You wanna know the one thing I hate more than anything else on this planet? Hearing my momma cry.
How do you manage to do it so consistently to your mother? doesn’t that make you want to die inside?

I don’t understand what alls happened to me Daddy. I know that there are a lot of people in this world who have gone through a lot worse. With that in mind, I still don’t understand how it is humanly possible to cry this much. Have you seen me cry? did that make you cringe and hurt inside? maybe it only hurts you when Jamie cries.

Dear Daddy. I don’t believe God’s promises for the future. He loves me enough to let me see him and feel him in the now enough that I can look back and see him in my past. I am alive Daddy. Your son is alive. You can only thank your God for that, because if we had had our own individual ways, i can tell you our blood would be long stained on that hardwood floor upstairs.

Daddy. I tried really hard to make it home tonight for the movie. I drove safe. I drove in control. I even checked my oil. All the stuff I thought I was supposed to do. I woke Kyle up out of a stupor. He was pretty depressed. I tried everything I could to make him better, if just for the next 12 hours, so he can pass his SATs and do well tomorrow morning. I got him up and talking and changing his clothes. We were in the car, we were studying. He backed out at the last minute, but instead of seeing if anything was wrong, or how my trip was or if the car had been fine, you told me maybe some other time.

I know you can’t read minds, but I really wish that you could have invited me over to eat. Or called me later. Or checked on Kyle. I know you’re probably sore because we spoiled the event you tried so hard to plan. But we’re sorry.

Maybe some other time itll work out better.

i’m sure time with your family was fun.

fuck you dad. Daddy. daddy. daddy. why am i still crying over something you’re so clearly over?