this year HAS to be different

I feel like its gonna be the same as last year

same kaitie

same kaitie tyler drama

same lack of sun   (already… its supposed to still be summer here)

same fake relationship with ballardia… and kaitie… and probably everyone

i want to go home to stuart. i want to go home to Fresno. I want to go home to FIRM. I don’t want to be here right now.

how do I change all those so that I am present in the here and now, not living in memories, or dread of the now. How do I look forward to the future. look forward to SA, to a career, to serving people, to meeting new people? how do i change either my present situation or my relationship to the present situation so that I can be happy?

I’m not going through another semester like last spring.